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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Toothpaste, Shampoo, Light Bulbs and a Sob Story

This past weekend Mr. YnB and I were shopping in a rural southern SuperWalmart when this guy named, Jimmy, appeared out of nowhere and started to talking to us in the thickest southern accent (SC accent that is, for those who can distinguish between the various Southern drawls).

Jimmy, poor soul, was on a mission to share his misery with anyone who would listen. Bless his little heart. You see, Jimmy and the missus had trouble in the bedroom (At least he knows how to capture one's attention). For months they had been trying to have a baby, but nothing was happening. Then, as luck would have it, the missus got raped and she became pregnant (poor Mrs. Jimmy). Now, this is where we must assume, since we are in dead center of the Bible Belt, that she felt there was no other option but to have this child (really, she'd been trying for months and nothing was happening with Jimmy). Unfortunately though, Jimmy didn't take this decision too well and reacted inappropriately (he would not share the intimate details). Whatever he did resulted in Mrs. Jimmy's parents kicking him out, never to speak with their daughter ever again.

But, Jimmy, wouldn't have any of that. He loves the missus and the missus loves him (even if it is only in Jimmy's mind) See, he owns this cell phone (probably one he got right there at Walmart), but he's run out of minutes and this is the only way that the two love birds can keep in touch these days. Can we help him out?

We quickly started pushing our cart in the opposite direction. Panhandling in Walmart. What's next on the shopping list, dear?

23 comments:

xoogle said...

This is a very creative motherf#@*%!!

yorksnbeans said...

You got that right, Ivan!!

dave hambidge said...

Is this the chappy you avoided giving conflict to?

I'm not up on American social etiquette, but in britland a swift "Foxtro Oscar you thieving sh1te bag!" would do for starters

yorksnbeans said...

No, this poor soul wasn't one of them. More important battles to fight than this pathetic one. ;-)

delicate flower said...

YnB, notice that Dave is really pushing you to cough up info here!

Mr. Jimmy told a great story, and probably had a kernal of truth! I can hazard a guess at what he did to Mrs. Jimmy!
Glad you passed him by!

dave hambidge said...

Nope, no pressure, just good old fashioned intrusive bastard!

yorksnbeans said...

No details here. All I'll fess up to is that one was an inner conflict and the other was an external conflict and both were settled. Unfortunately, neither had good results.

yorksnbeans said...

DF...I'm not so sure about the kernel of truth, except in Jimmy's mind. Maybe more like, Mrs. Jimmy had another lover?

tannerleah said...

You and your husband stood still for this entire half-witted conversation? Couldn’t one of you have said you left the dog in the car with the windows up?

Or is this one of those metaphorical Bible-type stories where Jimmy is someone else? Oh, my aching head….when did blogs get so complicated.

(Please disregard all of my rhetorical questions)

NobblySan said...

Being a cynical old (older still, since last Saturday) git, I reckon there was no Mrs. Jimmy; just a very inventive Jimmy.

Good tale though. It sure beats the hell out of "I haven't eaten for days, gimme some money so I can get a drink."

yorksnbeans said...

TL... please take the story at face value, nothing mind-boggling other than Jimmy. I can't speak for Mr. YnB, although I'm sure I could here his thoughts clearly saying "get me outta here", but moi, on the other hand, was intrigued with his most absurd story.

yorksnbeans said...

NS...yes, he was quite original!

Lynn said...

hmmm...what do you expect at a walmart? ooohh...hope that didn't hurt too bad! merely my observations from years gone by..in their defense, their customer base may have changed as of recently. i dunno, havent beenin a walmart in years and years.

you should look up dead peasant policies they have on their workers on youtube. i'm just sayin'!

bschooled said...

Did you tell Jimmy he should write an autobiography? One would think he'd earn enough money for a substantial calling card with a life story like that...

Then again, he probably would have asked for money to buy stationary supplies.


Hilarious post!

Bschooled:)

nonnie9999 said...

jimmy should have made that into a country song and sang it outside in the parking lot with an open guitar case to catch the tips. then he could go watch another lifetime movie in walmart's tv department so he could write another song.

i would have called good ol' jimmy's bluff and asked for his wife's phone number so you could call her right there and then just to reassure her that jimmy still loves her.

bearmancartoons said...

I would have given him $1 just for originality.

lisleman said...

You need to stay away from the aisle with the nuts.

Clean-up in aisle 3 - nut case has spilled his guts.

don mills said...

I'm with Bearman. At least he took the time to come up with something inventive.

yorksnbeans said...

Lynn...unfortunately there's no competition in the area where we have our weekend getaway. Walmart pretty much has a monopoly.

bschooled...you're making the assumption that Jimmy knows how to write. ;-) Good to see you!

Count on the Nons to get to the bottom of it!

Bear & Don....I guess a buck could have given the love birds a bit of phone sex to get them by for a few days. I'm sure there must have a been at least one sucker there in Walmart somewhere to help him out.

Lisle...ROFL!! :-)

linlah said...

He wasn't the greeter, right?

Duncanr said...

Now me - I'm such a big softy :wink:

I would have offered to dial his woman's number on my cell phone and pass it to him when she answered so the 'lovers' could chat :lol:

dave hambidge said...

Resolving conflict does not always lead to a good outcome other than a settled psyche.

Quote from elpresgod of TS.

nursemyra said...

I'm with bearman and Don - give him the dollar for originality